Source: Alex Wong / Getty
Here’s the thing: Conservatives really don’t know how to roast.
They don’t seem to have much of a grasp on how cleverness or humor actually work, so when they try to insult literally anyone, they either make themselves sound like school bullies who can’t actually fight and are mad girls don’t like them by shouting things like “libtard” and snowflake,” or their “jokes” are lacking in any semblance of comedic subtlety and they’re dryer than Ben Shapiro’s WAP-evaporating sex appeal. It’s why the closest thing right-wingers have to a current stand-up comedian who gets booked for specials is Joe Rogan, and he’s the comedic equivalent of people who post clearly offensive things they agree with online and passive-aggressively caption the post—“Thoughts?”
I mean, these people really thought “let’s go Brandon” was hilarious while the people they were looking to aggravate with the jab had to Google the expression to know what the hell it meant just before Googling, “Does Republican comedy come with a manual?”
Anyway, House Rep. Clay Higgins (R-Louisiana) took to Twitter Sunday to post what I’m sure he thought was a Wild ‘N Out-worthy roasting display but virtually no one who read the tweet seemed to know WTF he was talking about.
You millennial leftists who never lived one day under nuclear threat can now reflect upon your woke sky.
You made quite a non-binary fuss to save the world from intercontinental ballistic tweets.— Rep. Clay Higgins (@RepClayHiggins) February 27, 2022
“You millennial leftists who never lived one day under nuclear threat can now reflect upon your woke sky,” Wiggins tweeted. “You made quite a non-binary fuss to save the world from intercontinental ballistic tweets.”
Either Wiggins was on his phone wiggin’ TF out (sorry, I couldn’t help myself), or he sat there racking his brain for a way to turn the Russian invasion of Ukraine into a wiggingly-wicked burn against “millennial leftists,” and this was all he could come up with.
Either way, most responses to Wiggins’ tweet can be summed up in five words: What you talkin’ about, Wiggins?
I don’t understand what this means
— Molly Jong-Fast (@MollyJongFast) February 27, 2022
We’re not entirely sure what this tweet is supposed to mean, and we’re literally the dictionary.
— Dictionary.com (@Dictionarycom) February 27, 2022
Does anyone speak Republican asshole to translate this word salad?
— Jo
(@JoJoFromJerz) February 27, 2022
This tweet is so stupid my entire visual cortex is shutting down in protest.
— Daniel Summers, MD (@WFKARS) February 27, 2022
It's really impressive that you can be both (a) drunk enough to think that, yet (b) sober enough to tweet it.
That's a heck of a fine line you're riding, man.
Some advice: Lots of water for the rest of the day. Start taking ibuprofen before you think you need it.
— Azathoth's Daddy (@AquaVelvaBoy) February 27, 2022
Some people seemed to understand what he was trying to say at least enough to call him out for disrespecting veterans who also happen to be “leftists.”
This “leftist” veteran who served during part of the Cold War thinks that maybe you should just pic.twitter.com/NbcKLEOsub
— Jim (@Jem206jim) February 27, 2022
Hi Congressman Higgins! I'm a millennial trans woman who served in uniform and carried caskets while you couldn't be bothered to step away from your car dealership after 9/11 to go back in and serve during a time of war.
Think of that next time before you say bullshit like this.
— Charlotte Clymer
(@cmclymer) February 27, 2022
Fortunately, one man who speaks fluent “humorless, self-owning mumble-whitey” was online to translate.
So in a nutshell, he's blaming young people's focus on gender identity for Russia invading a sovereign Democracy. And also suggesting that if young people had just listened to his bias, Russia wouldn't be threatening to go nuclear. In other words, horse shit.
— Mr. Newberger (@jeremynewberger) February 27, 2022
Ahhhhh, OK. So Wiggins thinks Russia invading Ukraine was empowered by “leftists” on the internet who are indirectly responsible for a conflict between two European nations and he expressed that load of unmitigated white boomer nonsense by putting a bunch of progressive terms like “non-binary” and “intersectional” in a Bingo wheel spinner in order to complete the last sentence in his “insult.”
Ahem. https://t.co/31BFXETkU3
— The Boatman They Couldn't Hang (@Stewieatb) February 27, 2022
I still don’t understand what “woke sky” is supposed to mean. Is it like Vanilla Sky for people who want the world to be a better and more inclusive place? Because that sounds pretty nice, especially coming from a guy who’s (I think) supposed to be mocking us.
OK, Wiggins—you sure…uh…showed us…I guess.